My Connection to Others...

Since I have been home, I started to realize some things. Carolyn had a boyfriend merely a few days before I took over for her. She broke up with him because she found out that he had cheated on her. Sarah told me that I had been crying the night of the change, so she was not surprised that I left to go somewhere. I am glad that he has not tried calling me or anything like that. I do want to have to deal with the knowledge that this body is far from virginal. I could nearly gag, that is how grossed out I am at the thought of being with a guy.

Even though that was sort of the highlight of my day, I worked and such to get all of the teams ready to survey major cities and get us materials. I plan on getting Tonya to model for me. She is a very sexy girl and it would help to give her a job rather than her being just my kept girl. I think she would feel to obligated to do things if she was just taken care of. I do not want her to feel obligated to anything.

Yet, I was a little surprised when I saw her blog. She is pretty lonely down there in Miami, so I think I am going to send her some company. I was looking at the registry that the escort service had down there and found the one girl I was attracted to. A sign that she was much like us so she would understand what Tonya was going through. So I paid them and sent her off.

I do my best to help others, but I still refuse to partake in the acts that my peers seem so eager to oblige themselves in. But do not worry about me, the frustration does not even get to me. Heck, most of the time I do not even think about it.

But I think I am rambling now, so I am going to log out of here and sleep.

Back to New York

Tonya dropped me off at the airport like a good girl. I did not like getting up early in the morning but my body was able to handle all of the prep in the most efficient way. It is kind of nice that I do not really have to get up in the mornings. But still I had to grab coffee so that I was not going to be a grouch when I got on the plane.

Arriving in New York, I did a little happy dance before grabbing the taxi. My apartment was just the way that I had left it, though I found out that there was a live in maid in it. She keeps the place clean, makes meals and so forth. I was surprised I had not seen her beforehand. But Sarah told me that she had slept through me leaving that morning.

Luckily she was still being paid automatically from my account, so she continued to clean and such even though she was not receiving any instruction from me. I appreciated it and gave her a bit of a tip. Sadly though, I was not attracted to her even though she is pretty cute. Just means that she is a full bodied girl which is not a bad thing. But after her making me breakfast, I headed to the office.

Work was long as is usual. I am getting stuff done, though sadly a lot of what needs to be done, has to be done here in New York. I will make it back to Miami soon enough. But it is bed time for me so good night lovelies.

Back In The City That Never Sleeps

Flying is not really that much of a pain but sometimes it can be, I have to deal with all kinds of people. But the new one that I have come to dislike are TSA Officers. I am not one that prefers getting X-rays every time I come to the airport. So I opted for the pat down. Whether he was getting close to break or assumed I liked it somehow, he was doing just a slight but noticeable bit above patting me down when he made it to my butt.

“Yes Officer, I know I have a nice butt, but that does not mean you can grope it however so slightly.” 

I wish I could have said that, but my autopilot had me just smiling a little nervously as the strong male touched me. I was reeling mentally from my body's behavior. But all else proceeded fine and I flew back to New York.

I made it back to my apartment at around noon. It was nice to be “home”. I had not had time to familiarize with my new place when I was on the warpath after Bree so I had to walk around the place looking to find things and wondering why Carolyn chose certain things and such. I had to admit that it was all a little odd.

But I think she did a decent job of things, so I will not have to rearrange or anything. After I gave my apartment a good two hour search, I knew I had to head into work. I dressed to the nines and then headed out. My boss really likes what I had been doing from Miami and wanted to give me a bit of a project.

It was nothing major, just have to showcase cities and regions so we can get footage we can sell to travel companies and what not. First I will need to assemble a few crews and then send them out to get pictures and videos. So I have to stay for a bit, but I am sure all of the girls in Miami will understand. However it will mean more traveling and yet more pat downs.

Just got to play the cards I am dealt!

- Carolyn

Meeting Day!

So well it was a Tuesday, I met with Bree. I think it went okay. She seemed to be interested in my offer to have her model for my company. A relationship that I find most beneficial since she is bound to bring in interest into our company and advance her own career. I think with her beauty she is more suited to being the object of a camera's lens than she is making others look prettier. Yes I know that I am a little biased since she is one of the few people that I can be attracted to. But whatever, she is hot.

After I had a few hours of free time till I needed to meet a new friend for dinner. Things went well there too. She seemed like she needed a little help so I being a good friend am helping her along. She says she would like to help me, but I am not really sure that I need help.

I am in control and working out how to fix all of this eventually. But for now I must play with the cards that I have been dealt. It was not a completely bad hand, just that there were a better set of circumstances that I would have loved more. Things at work are ramping up a bit so I may need to go back home soon. Bree has her concert on Friday, but I will likely not be there.

I am a busy girl after all and the Big Apple is calling me home for a little bit.

- Carolyn

It was not the worst of days...

I laid around in the hotel room. I let myself get ready with makeup and all but I did not feel like going anywhere. All I did was just lay in the bed, staring up in the ceiling wishing that all of this was some sort of cruel dream and that I will just wake up. But I can't. I am stuck in this body that responds its own way to certain situations. All I can do is bear it as she is attracted to guys or walks like a girl at all times. If I fight the responses, I just feel very uncomfortable with all of my nerves sort of tingling like they are asleep.

Is there an island out there just filled with women that I can just live on for the rest of my life? I googled it and it would seem like I do not have a chance for that kind of thing.

*sigh*

Yet as I finally whipped out the laptop, I realized something that could be a sort of blessing. There are two women that I can still be attracted to, Olivia and Bree. It would seem that either through the recognition that they were once men or by some other magical means I can still have both the physical and mental attraction to the two of them!

*smiles and does a small little dance*

So there was not all bad today. From the looks of things over at Bree's blog, a good portion of their weekend is being spent in bed. And I am glad that when my mind wanders about it that I can get that twinge of arousal. Thank god for the small things.

After that, I got my energy back and then went down to the gym to get active. It got my blood pumping and ready for some work that I did not do on Saturday. I went out to a coffee shop and did my work with a smile on my face. When it was done, I went for a walk in the town not making eye contact with the males that crossed my path since I did not want to be drawn in or something. It seems I can avoid some of the responses.

So all and all it went from a bad day to a good day. I have a meeting on Tuesday with Bree where I plan on really talking to her about all of this and ask her how much experimentation with magic that she has done so far. Mine is a little more extensive than hers with nothing left of me in this place but my thoughts.

But I do not want to bore you all to death. Just know that for the moment, I am content!

-Carolyn

Unsettled

I got up this morning and dragged myself to the bathroom, from there I knew that autopilot would take over and it did. All of my hygienics began to be done with her brushing my teeth, straightening my hair, doing my makeup the whole nine yards. I got to experience every little motion of my hands, the feelings of the instruments touching my skin, hair, and such. It was oddly surreal as I looking, feeling, all of these things but knowing that I was not the one orchestrating them. I would have tried to fight but I felt that there was little point messing up my appearance when I knew she would do a great job anyway. So I resigned myself to let my body act on its know while giving me the illusion of control.

After all of that was finished, I called up room service for a simple egg sandwich and some coffee. While I ate, I realized certain things. My bites were small and delicate in a very controlled manner. And even though I never remembered placing it there I was drinking the coffee through a straw. I know both of these have to do with a woman's presentation but I did not know my automatics extended this far. It even affects how I eat and drink.

*sigh*

I finished my breakfast and looked at the clock seeing that it was about 10 am. Work had to be done so I did that for a couple of hours wearing nothing but pajamas. When that was complete, I went to go do what I set out to. I was going to truly test my automatics around people. It being Miami during the Summer, I felt it best to just go to the beach, a good place to find people. And then I learned something that sort of made me want to cry. The only girl that actually is attractive to me (at least for the moment) is me!

I forced myself to look at girls in bikinis and though mentally I was amazed at how hot a girl could be, none of my physiological reactions matched up with that. But when I looked over to the men that were on the beach surfing or doing other things, I could feel this sort of magnetism towards them. Quickly I would look away and feel ashamed that of all the things this body was, it had to be heterosexually female as far as I know.

I talked to a few girls, and learned that I can talk friendly with them and I understand them a little better. There was no effect on my words or my speech around them. And I am thankful for whatever being did this allowed me to at least be me in that aspect. Before a guy appeared, I left the beach already feeling somewhat unsettled about what I had learned of myself.

- Carolyn

Bargaining

Like I said before, or rather earlier today, I feel like I am somewhat mourning Carl if that makes sense. And the reason why I could post anything like the pictures I did, (I have tons more) is not because I am all the way in acceptance. I think that I am somewhere in bargaining. I would nearly give anything to be Carl again. But I am neither really happy or sad about it. I am just sort of ambivalent, in an odd blah state about it all.

I sort of hope this lasts awhile as I really do not need to drop into the next stage. I will give you a hint what it is. Since I am a girl, and I feel compelled to wear makeup. I am not happy about that by the way. I am just glad my body sort of runs on autopilot while it is being done. The next stage would constantly have me reapplying mascara after it gets all runny.

Also I have a comment on that, my body at times is very automatic. Applying makeup, walking, posing, all of it is perfectly feminine. And if I try to walk masculine consciously it is super uncomfortable with that odd tingly limb falling asleep thing going on zapping up my legs with each step. I think it had to do with the wish. Her words were, "I wish you would understand what women have to go through in life." In that sense, I am experiencing things like the pressure to act like a woman, the poking and prodding necessary for a woman to feel and look attractive. But as a result I do not need to learn them as the understanding of the why and sensations of it are enough without having to manually control the task and thus escape the task.

So it would seem that some of this femininity is forced upon me. What worries me is the duration, for if life really means life then I could be in this for the long haul...

That is a very scary thought to me. Time to think on less philosophical things.

Well other than taking pictures for you guys and putting up these blogs I really have not done much tonight but sit in my room and watch Family Guy on TV. I ate a small sub sandwich as I really have do not have the appetite I used to. But still I am relaxed, just sitting here on the bed with the laptop in my lap wondering what tomorrow will bring. I may do an experiment with my automatic feminine responses to see how they play out around other people, primarily girls. I have a feeling that I am not going to like what effect attractive men have on them.

But it is getting pretty late here so I think I am going to just go get comfortable and sleep.

- Carolyn

A More Fun Post

Fridays in Miami are insane, but I am not partying. Yet other than work this is currently my only outlet, so I decided that even though I was not going to go out, I should use the time productively. So I set up a camera and then started to snap away.

A nice little pose, don't you think?

Of course that is not it, but I just felt it was a good thing to start with for the moment, I find that when I am bored, I sort of just check myself out or prep myself. I think it is just sort of ingrained in her body and not a conscious thing. It is sort of like how I use to bite my nails.

Here is another:

I had to buy a swimsuit, I am in Miami after all

 It is odd being on the other end of the camera but I do not really mind, I have seen girls do it all the time so I can understand how to pose and such, how do you all think I am doing?

First Few Days..

For those that follow Bree's blog, you know how very happy I was that I woke up on the 21st to being a girl. I was not happy about it at all. I do not blame Sarah for what happened to me. It was my own actions that caused me to be in this new body of mine. And at the loss of my own life, I feel like in the past 3 or so days I have been going through the stages of death. Those captions that Mysterious posted for me were more when I was in the middle of my denial phase.

I hated what happened, what I had lost, most of all I hated Bree more because I felt that there had to be some cause and she was the one that fit most. She was out there spreading her story and I was hurting so much. I will say that when I first came to terms with what happened on the 21st, I looked at myself in the mirror and fell to my knees crying uncontrollably.

Tears just flowed down my face for an hour or longer as I continued to see my new reflection. My life as Carl was over. I knew that all too well from the very few blog posts that I had read of Bree's. No one would know who Carl even was. My completely redesigned apartment was a testament to that fact. So after I picked myself off the floor, I was angry. I hated that I had lost me so very completely just from my girlfriend's words.

So I found someone to blame, and that was Bree. I sent that picture of Sasha Cane over to Mysterious and then had him post up my words of anger to Bree. Since I was still in New York, I started plotting my path to Miami to find Bree. I did this to give myself a goal, an objective. So she was it. I packed up a bag of decent looking clothes and then got on a plane to Miami.

It took me just a few hours till I pulled up in front of her house in my rental car. I could have gone to her door and confronted her right there but I didn't. I knew that would be wrong, but it still did not dissipate my anger so I just hung around Miami watching her as she went about her life. To prove whether she was magical, I walked towards her on a street as she left work. If she was really my maker then she should know the real me. But even after she bumped into me, I was but a stranger to her. She did not even give me a second thought or glance as I said an apology and she moved on.

So I decided I would do research into Carolyn's life and pick it up where she left off. But I am doing so from a Hotel room in Miami as I start to settle down and sort out just how I am going to work out all of this and find a way to reclaim my old existence.

I do hope to find a chance to talk to Bree about all of this at some point. Even though I was initially mad at her, I want to talk to someone that can understand at least some of what I am going through.

-Carolyn