Bargaining

Like I said before, or rather earlier today, I feel like I am somewhat mourning Carl if that makes sense. And the reason why I could post anything like the pictures I did, (I have tons more) is not because I am all the way in acceptance. I think that I am somewhere in bargaining. I would nearly give anything to be Carl again. But I am neither really happy or sad about it. I am just sort of ambivalent, in an odd blah state about it all.

I sort of hope this lasts awhile as I really do not need to drop into the next stage. I will give you a hint what it is. Since I am a girl, and I feel compelled to wear makeup. I am not happy about that by the way. I am just glad my body sort of runs on autopilot while it is being done. The next stage would constantly have me reapplying mascara after it gets all runny.

Also I have a comment on that, my body at times is very automatic. Applying makeup, walking, posing, all of it is perfectly feminine. And if I try to walk masculine consciously it is super uncomfortable with that odd tingly limb falling asleep thing going on zapping up my legs with each step. I think it had to do with the wish. Her words were, "I wish you would understand what women have to go through in life." In that sense, I am experiencing things like the pressure to act like a woman, the poking and prodding necessary for a woman to feel and look attractive. But as a result I do not need to learn them as the understanding of the why and sensations of it are enough without having to manually control the task and thus escape the task.

So it would seem that some of this femininity is forced upon me. What worries me is the duration, for if life really means life then I could be in this for the long haul...

That is a very scary thought to me. Time to think on less philosophical things.

Well other than taking pictures for you guys and putting up these blogs I really have not done much tonight but sit in my room and watch Family Guy on TV. I ate a small sub sandwich as I really have do not have the appetite I used to. But still I am relaxed, just sitting here on the bed with the laptop in my lap wondering what tomorrow will bring. I may do an experiment with my automatic feminine responses to see how they play out around other people, primarily girls. I have a feeling that I am not going to like what effect attractive men have on them.

But it is getting pretty late here so I think I am going to just go get comfortable and sleep.

- Carolyn