Unsettled

I got up this morning and dragged myself to the bathroom, from there I knew that autopilot would take over and it did. All of my hygienics began to be done with her brushing my teeth, straightening my hair, doing my makeup the whole nine yards. I got to experience every little motion of my hands, the feelings of the instruments touching my skin, hair, and such. It was oddly surreal as I looking, feeling, all of these things but knowing that I was not the one orchestrating them. I would have tried to fight but I felt that there was little point messing up my appearance when I knew she would do a great job anyway. So I resigned myself to let my body act on its know while giving me the illusion of control.

After all of that was finished, I called up room service for a simple egg sandwich and some coffee. While I ate, I realized certain things. My bites were small and delicate in a very controlled manner. And even though I never remembered placing it there I was drinking the coffee through a straw. I know both of these have to do with a woman's presentation but I did not know my automatics extended this far. It even affects how I eat and drink.

*sigh*

I finished my breakfast and looked at the clock seeing that it was about 10 am. Work had to be done so I did that for a couple of hours wearing nothing but pajamas. When that was complete, I went to go do what I set out to. I was going to truly test my automatics around people. It being Miami during the Summer, I felt it best to just go to the beach, a good place to find people. And then I learned something that sort of made me want to cry. The only girl that actually is attractive to me (at least for the moment) is me!

I forced myself to look at girls in bikinis and though mentally I was amazed at how hot a girl could be, none of my physiological reactions matched up with that. But when I looked over to the men that were on the beach surfing or doing other things, I could feel this sort of magnetism towards them. Quickly I would look away and feel ashamed that of all the things this body was, it had to be heterosexually female as far as I know.

I talked to a few girls, and learned that I can talk friendly with them and I understand them a little better. There was no effect on my words or my speech around them. And I am thankful for whatever being did this allowed me to at least be me in that aspect. Before a guy appeared, I left the beach already feeling somewhat unsettled about what I had learned of myself.

- Carolyn