The Long Overdue Post....

So things have changed, quite widely since we last talked. However I am more than certain that Bree and Tonya's blogs can fill you in on some of it. However I will summarize my past few months in some segments and then I will go into a little more detail on what is going on in all of this craziness. I hope that is fine with you all. However, please do comment on this post after you have read through it all to ask questions, express concerns and what have you. I am still the open book girl from three months ago, just a little more wigged out than usual.

Late June through July

So Tonya, being the very intelligent girl that she is tries to share a bit of her passion with me through  boxing. I support her and give her proper funding so that she can climb the ranks. However I want her to be careful so as not to make her useless to me as a model.

There are a couple incidents with Bree but they are generally positive. I got her to model for me while I have other things going on in the background, namely my foundation that begins to grow at least a person or two daily at this point. I keep finding people messed up just like myself. But I am sure as you can guess there is a 3/4ths majority in the people who are more in Bree's boat than mine. It matters naught though because the people like myself are helping me to research into this little pandemic in the hopes of giving people a choice at least.

July to August

Generally quiet month, got the girls to do a couple of shoots. Tonya had another match which I attended. She seemed to be spending a good part of this month trying to get me to bond with her. From what I could tell she is patient zero, and one of the ones that seemed the most accepting of it at the moment other than Bree. So it makes me a little uncomfortable around her.

The Foundations ranks continue to grow exponentially. What had started out as a grouping of a dozen or more is starting to turn into a couple of hundred quickly getting into the thousands. Whatever is speeding the rate of infection needs to be stopped the only problem is that we still have not found a cause.

All of my mounting stress leads to more or less stare blankly at the screen whenever I attempt to write here. So it is the reason that there are quite literally no updates anymore till today. I go out, play with my autopilot from time to time to further test parameters and see what it will and will not make me do. There are more than a couple tests of free will during this month but I pull through a bonafide virgin.

August to September

Tonya got hurt real bad at one of her boxing matches. And unknown to her a few days after the match I had to deal with her competitor a bit. I paid for both of their medical bills. Following that Bree came to my place or rather I somewhat abducted her to my place in order to make her feel better. But around then, Tonya got hurt so I had to let her go even though she was not fully recovered yet. I got accused of sleeping with Bree which did not happen though it would seem that she had wanted to. Still I remained strong and powered yet through another month without falling prey to the allure of sex.

I spent most of my time monitoring Tonya, if not directly then indirectly through watching her medical progress. In general, I was depressed and still working on  things a bit. The Foundation is still growing rapidly at this point and so I continue to pull our resource to find a source. there would seem to be a mystical source of some kind.  It is one possibility and so I sent researchers out to go find out more about this thing and if its powers can be stopped or contained.

Otherwise, it is is business as usual for me doing things from Skyline, getting the girls work and all that jazz.

September to Now

I did a lot of normal things, went about my business getting things done with the Foundation and what not. Tonya and them seem to be doing alright. Bree and her are dating since Olivia is over in LA these days. I find it interesting to watch them from afar since that whole thing with Tonya happened because I encouraged her. I am still their boss and I am still giving them work but for the moment I felt it was best to give them space.

Also the entity so kindly changed things about my autopilot and even changed a bit about my body. I find it to be displeasing. But all it is to me is another challenge to persevere and resist the changes. Oh and yes, in case you are wondering, even with the new body, I am still a virgin nor do I plan on that changing anytime soon.


So like I said, a lot has happened since I last wrote to you all. I hope that you all are having a wonderful day, and you should expect more regular updates from me now.

- Carolyn

Travel Thursday

I got up and was at the office for a few hours. But then the boss gave me the A-okay to head back to Miami with a production crew. If we get enough business, we can establish a new office down there. But I am hoping that the girls will start to realize that I would rather they be in New York. I think Tonya is already expecting this considering I have a full wardrobe waiting for her. Soon I will need to make Bree, Dani, and Olivia to agree to it as well.

I will figure it out soon enough. But like I said, I was traveling. I did not dress to the nines as you likely figured. Actually I switched out of my work clothes and dressed in rather casual clothing to get on the plane. Unlike before when the plane was relatively empty, I had a man sitting to my right and then a full row of men to my left. Casual clothing may have not been a great idea.

I am not sure if it is the fact that you are literally locked in a place with people for a couple of hours, but I think it changes people. Thankfully the guys in the other row could only look. However, the guy next me had decided he was going to make "accidental" touches. Never before have I felt violated and vulnerable. After the first time, he "rolled" in his sleep and grazed my breast with the tips of his fingers, I sat with my arms crossed for the whole flight.

And when he tried multiple times, his foot got abused. Casual clothes still means that I am wearing heels. So each time he would try to touch, my heel would accidentally come down on his foot. Eventually the pig learned that I was uninterested. The jocks on the other side of me seemed to have gotten protective. Their eyes were watching the guy next to me more than they were me. The pleasure of Southern boys was their sense of honor and they knew this guy was scum.

When the flight ended, I immediately stood up and grabbed my briefcase to march myself off the plane. What I saw out of the corner of my eye was the man next to me tried to stand before one of the jocks "bumped" into him. It knocked him from retrieving his luggage trapping him there so I could get some distance. It made me smile.

I got back to my hotel room and relaxed typing this message to you all.

-Carolyn

She Was Wilder Than Expected

You know when I started this whole teasing thing, I figured it was something that I started just to play on my own. Today while looking for my closet, I realized something. Carolyn had been a tease for a long time coming. Only a certain section of her closet had been containing the clothes that I had been wearing. The rest of the closet was with more teasing and sexy attire. Much of it seemed to be relatively new. To figure all of this out I checked out her purchases.

Each year, she buys a nearly completely new wardrobe from several different outlets and designers. The clothes she chooses seem to suggest teasing but not all are blatant. It all really depends on how they are worn. If a button or two is let down then she can go from professional executive to professional tease. I am not sure how I had not realized this earlier. I think it was more that when I had first become her my fear of what men to do just led me to hope she was conservative. Turns out that she was not as conservative as I hoped.

I think I will keep her wardrobe but not take my teasing too far like I had yesterday. I want to be professional and not lead anyone to have any extra ideas. The rest of Wednesday then proceeded regularly except for some guy from Marketing trying to drum up a conversation about what I do for fun. Luckily, I was able to turn him down by saying that I was going to Miami tomorrow and that I was not sure when I was getting back.

After that, I cleared the trip with my boss and got the tickets for me and the team. I will be headed off to Miami in the morning.

-Carolyn

Teasing Tuesday

So I came to work in four inch heels, a dangerously short skirt, and a somewhat sheer white blouse. To say that I got a couple of looks is a bit of an understatement. All of the guys seemed to have their eyes glued to my body as I walked through the halls. It made me giddy to know that I had so much power over all of these men. The seemed so distracted when I would come by their office. Very gently I would sit in the chair across from them and cross my legs. Instantly their eyes would go there. But they were not novices, they would play it off as if they were looking at papers or some such.

I made it very difficult for Jim. I came into his office carrying a folder. "Accidentally" I tripped and dropped all of the papers on the floor. Very slowly, I would pick them up giving him a bit of a look at the lacy black bra that I was wearing. He saw the slightest edge of cleavage as I had buttoned up one of the buttons since I planned this.

I thanked him for the help and gave him the papers to sign and sort through. All of the while, I had this girlish knowing smile on my face. He knew I was doing it on purpose. I could tell. When I very sensually walked out of his office, I could see the smirk on his face from a reflection off the door. Luckily he sees it for what it is and not thinking I want him or something. That whole I used to be Carl thing could be confusing. Oh wait it is not like he would know who I was. But still my interest in men is is non-existent. Just my body is the one that likes them.

But yeah, I went around my office being a very wonderful tease. I think tomorrow I will not be so blatant but I will still tease them a bit.

- Carolyn

Should I wear something like this next time?

Just A Monday

I went to work, home, and now I am sitting here at my computer. Nothing really happened today, the guys seemed to mope that they lost their money to me. I smiled and teased them a little bit. Jim seems to have thought my flirting was serious. That other part of me had sold it all too well. Now, he has these moments where he blushes when I stand at the door of his office, leaning ever so slightly to give him hope.

Sadly that hope never comes to fruition. My cleavage is nice and safe in my tight white blouse complimented by my push up bra. Still this whole thing has made me want to tease more. I unbuttoned a button on my blouse to make it just a little more challenging on the male folk around the office. It brings a smile to my face and makes my day to day life even more interesting.

Do you guys think I am a horrible little tease?

- Carolyn

The Poker Game

I arrived at the house on time, but they were still setting up. They tell people an earlier time so that they do not show up late but I had forgotten that. I helped them setup things like the table and the snacks. Jim was happy that someone actually was punctual, I joked and told him not to count on it every week. He smiled and shrugged. I was thinking that he was a little cute as I looked at him there in his garage. He and I were the only ones there for the moment which scared me a little. I held my ground and just chatted with him before we sat at the table on opposite sides from one another.

The others all trickled in about 10 minutes later. Luckily, I was not the only woman there. Samantha, a girl I had once considered a prospective girlfriend was there. But now, I looked at her and felt absolutely nothing. I thought that her outfit was cute but she could have coordinated better. Yet I am not sure those thoughts were not even mine, they were more the girl parts of me.

Still all of my friend were as competitive as I remember them to be. We were only using 10 dollars each but still everyone wanted to walk home with the full $60. Beer was drank, chips were eaten Carl was the first to get knocked out. Malik followed him out of the game and then there were 4. I am not going to say I was just cruising along at first as Jim seemed to be doing that. I was currently tied for second with Samantha.

Poor Calvin got double teamed by Jim and Samantha who both got him out in five more hands. They were predators, and they were really picking people off. I was bound to be their next target. I leaned back in my chair looking more relaxed. Time to use my autopilot to my advantage. Most people did not have an emotionless series of movements that required no conscious thoughts. So whatever tells they could have gotten just went up in smoke. I focused my attention over to Jim and then relegated myself to let her act.

The flirting began shamelessly, lots of playful smiles and psuedo-sexual motions began with me sitting at the table, playing cards acting against the two of them while outwardly seeming indifferent other than to flirt. It took me about 6 hands but I knocked Samantha out of the game. Jim seemed to be losing focus as she got a  little talkative with him. Slowly bu surely, his lead disappeared. And then 30 minutes later, he went all in and I won.

Not really needing the money I gave 20 each to Malik, Calvin, and Samantha. They seemed to be pleased with that. Jim was blushing as the flirting ended having seemingly been played by my words.

- Carolyn

Another day

Sarah had to do some stuff today so I had to make my own breakfast and stuff, it was no big deal. After I was all made up, I headed out to the office where I went through the usual routine. An old buddy of mine from the past stopped me in the hallway and commented that he wondered what was going on with me. I was a lot less friendly to the crew than I had been. It seemed like I had become all business. I was not really sure what to tell him.

I told him that there was some stuff going on with a good friend of mine, and that it was making me less inclined to just hang out and such. He seemed to accept the answer but still invited me over for the weekly poker night that I had been missing out on. From what I had gathered from him, I was still close to the people in my old department since I had been their manager for a couple of years before my promotion.

At least I will be able to use a girly excuse as to why I do not want to drink on Sunday. And I will not even be lying either which is the best part. What I really noticed was that my autopilot was not forcing me to flirt with him. It was giving me very receptive expressions and movements but not suggesting anything other than me going over there for poker.

Another little day in my life, time to go home from work.

- Carolyn

Business Is Good

Spent most of the day at the office, typing up things, scheduling things and seeing the pictures that Bree and Tonya were in. They were going to processed as soon as possible and then used for promotional materials for the company. My boss liked them and everything. Also he wanted them to both be signed on as soon as possible so their contracts were mailed off as well so that they could not picked up by rival companies. My sisters will soon be my employees.

What I find most interesting about those girls is that it seems like they always end up doing some sort of carnal act. Now I have no proof but the report from the photographers have told me that they seemed very comfortable with one another. They also were a little flirtatious during the shoot and seemed to give off the signals that they were more than just friends.

I am not sure how to feel about Tonya having sex with Bree. It is fine, just that I gave her someone to be with, I am not sure why she needed Bree too. It sort of makes the more protective part of me think that there may be a little more to the idea that she wants to help me.

*shrug*

I will figure it all out soon enough. But until then I will promote the two of them as the sexy girls they are!

-Carolyn

Autopilot And Me

Work has been super busy, I have a lot that I need to get through before I can even head back to Miami. It kind of sucks since I am hearing that there is quite a lot going on down there. But still I think what with the war the body and I are having that it is for the best. Today I did something that made me feel really relaxed, I did not just let myself fall into autopilot when I was getting ready. I did all of the motions that I had seen her make for weeks now. I put on the makeup myself. It was odd because it felt..good to do so. I think it is sort of a reward system.

If I do it myself then it will not do it for me and will actually make me feel good about doing it. I made a couple of mistakes but when I thought I was done, it fixed them. So it seems like it just matters if I am trying. This is an interesting part of this little predicament I have. I will need to talk to one of my sisters and see if I let it dip into autpilot and flirt to see how far it goes. And then when I take control if I can control how far it does.

I think that would be a good idea so that I do not have to avoid men like the plague. At work, I have become a little more friendly to them but it is still hard for me to be buddies with them just yet. So until I figure out this system, I will just continue to be the Cold Carolyn that they seemed to have named me at the Water cooler.

A Regular Sunday...

Regular blah of a Sunday, woke up and then tried to assert control of this body when I made to the bathroom. I was not going to let it get ready, but it pushed back. I stood there in front of the mirror looking like I was putting all of my effort in not moving. My arms felt like they were on fire, and eventually the body won that battle forcing the hands to work to putting on my makeup and such. In between the forced expressions, there was a dirty look on my face directed back at my body as if it could see how displeased I was with it.

After it was all done and things were put away, I walked over to my bed with a pout and crossed my arms not pleased that it seemed to keep winning every round. Part of me wanted to throw something but I refrained and just sat there looking at myself in the mirror. This is exactly why I do not want to even try something like sex, I am sure the body would get to have its fun. I would be forced along with tasks that I do not even really want to do.

After being in a pout for ten minutes, I went downstairs and had breakfast with Sarah and then went shopping for stuff. Electronics had been the love of my past. So I bought a new phone and shopped around for some other things. I had to play the dodge men game since I knew how this body would react. Do you know how hard it is to find purely female representatives in a electronics store? Let me tell you, it is difficult.

So after shopping and stuff, I came home and had dinner with Sarah. I did not learn anything new but she had remarked that she liked whatever change had come over me. So it seems there is still me in here. But that just got me wondering, what was Carolyn like in her day to day life?

- Carolyn

Slippery Slopes

Tonya came closer than I felt comfortable with today. She..nearly tempted me into something after I had been sort of teasing her with this new body of mine. The biggest issue is that I really know how to flirt with her because I am attracted to her, so that means that the body actually helps me do it. That is a dangerous combination as it got me a little to close to doing something sexual. I am not afraid of sex, I just do not want to go down that road yet. I need to be more in control, more sure of things before I let it happen.

Nothing was more clear than a few minutes ago where I had literally gotten Tonya to strip for me in front of her camera. So I still have the ability to control others but still it is my personal control that scares and eludes me. I mean I am more controlled than Bree, Olivia or Tonya, but still I need to be more assured that when I go down that road that I will be the one holding the reins and not my body.

To show my body who is boss, I took a picture without makeup:

Also, Bree and Tonya are going to be having a beach photo shoot tomorrow so the two of them can begin the modeling life. So at least in my professional life things are going quite good.

Good night lovelies!

- Carolyn

My Connection to Others...

Since I have been home, I started to realize some things. Carolyn had a boyfriend merely a few days before I took over for her. She broke up with him because she found out that he had cheated on her. Sarah told me that I had been crying the night of the change, so she was not surprised that I left to go somewhere. I am glad that he has not tried calling me or anything like that. I do want to have to deal with the knowledge that this body is far from virginal. I could nearly gag, that is how grossed out I am at the thought of being with a guy.

Even though that was sort of the highlight of my day, I worked and such to get all of the teams ready to survey major cities and get us materials. I plan on getting Tonya to model for me. She is a very sexy girl and it would help to give her a job rather than her being just my kept girl. I think she would feel to obligated to do things if she was just taken care of. I do not want her to feel obligated to anything.

Yet, I was a little surprised when I saw her blog. She is pretty lonely down there in Miami, so I think I am going to send her some company. I was looking at the registry that the escort service had down there and found the one girl I was attracted to. A sign that she was much like us so she would understand what Tonya was going through. So I paid them and sent her off.

I do my best to help others, but I still refuse to partake in the acts that my peers seem so eager to oblige themselves in. But do not worry about me, the frustration does not even get to me. Heck, most of the time I do not even think about it.

But I think I am rambling now, so I am going to log out of here and sleep.

Back to New York

Tonya dropped me off at the airport like a good girl. I did not like getting up early in the morning but my body was able to handle all of the prep in the most efficient way. It is kind of nice that I do not really have to get up in the mornings. But still I had to grab coffee so that I was not going to be a grouch when I got on the plane.

Arriving in New York, I did a little happy dance before grabbing the taxi. My apartment was just the way that I had left it, though I found out that there was a live in maid in it. She keeps the place clean, makes meals and so forth. I was surprised I had not seen her beforehand. But Sarah told me that she had slept through me leaving that morning.

Luckily she was still being paid automatically from my account, so she continued to clean and such even though she was not receiving any instruction from me. I appreciated it and gave her a bit of a tip. Sadly though, I was not attracted to her even though she is pretty cute. Just means that she is a full bodied girl which is not a bad thing. But after her making me breakfast, I headed to the office.

Work was long as is usual. I am getting stuff done, though sadly a lot of what needs to be done, has to be done here in New York. I will make it back to Miami soon enough. But it is bed time for me so good night lovelies.

Back In The City That Never Sleeps

Flying is not really that much of a pain but sometimes it can be, I have to deal with all kinds of people. But the new one that I have come to dislike are TSA Officers. I am not one that prefers getting X-rays every time I come to the airport. So I opted for the pat down. Whether he was getting close to break or assumed I liked it somehow, he was doing just a slight but noticeable bit above patting me down when he made it to my butt.

“Yes Officer, I know I have a nice butt, but that does not mean you can grope it however so slightly.” 

I wish I could have said that, but my autopilot had me just smiling a little nervously as the strong male touched me. I was reeling mentally from my body's behavior. But all else proceeded fine and I flew back to New York.

I made it back to my apartment at around noon. It was nice to be “home”. I had not had time to familiarize with my new place when I was on the warpath after Bree so I had to walk around the place looking to find things and wondering why Carolyn chose certain things and such. I had to admit that it was all a little odd.

But I think she did a decent job of things, so I will not have to rearrange or anything. After I gave my apartment a good two hour search, I knew I had to head into work. I dressed to the nines and then headed out. My boss really likes what I had been doing from Miami and wanted to give me a bit of a project.

It was nothing major, just have to showcase cities and regions so we can get footage we can sell to travel companies and what not. First I will need to assemble a few crews and then send them out to get pictures and videos. So I have to stay for a bit, but I am sure all of the girls in Miami will understand. However it will mean more traveling and yet more pat downs.

Just got to play the cards I am dealt!

- Carolyn

Meeting Day!

So well it was a Tuesday, I met with Bree. I think it went okay. She seemed to be interested in my offer to have her model for my company. A relationship that I find most beneficial since she is bound to bring in interest into our company and advance her own career. I think with her beauty she is more suited to being the object of a camera's lens than she is making others look prettier. Yes I know that I am a little biased since she is one of the few people that I can be attracted to. But whatever, she is hot.

After I had a few hours of free time till I needed to meet a new friend for dinner. Things went well there too. She seemed like she needed a little help so I being a good friend am helping her along. She says she would like to help me, but I am not really sure that I need help.

I am in control and working out how to fix all of this eventually. But for now I must play with the cards that I have been dealt. It was not a completely bad hand, just that there were a better set of circumstances that I would have loved more. Things at work are ramping up a bit so I may need to go back home soon. Bree has her concert on Friday, but I will likely not be there.

I am a busy girl after all and the Big Apple is calling me home for a little bit.

- Carolyn

It was not the worst of days...

I laid around in the hotel room. I let myself get ready with makeup and all but I did not feel like going anywhere. All I did was just lay in the bed, staring up in the ceiling wishing that all of this was some sort of cruel dream and that I will just wake up. But I can't. I am stuck in this body that responds its own way to certain situations. All I can do is bear it as she is attracted to guys or walks like a girl at all times. If I fight the responses, I just feel very uncomfortable with all of my nerves sort of tingling like they are asleep.

Is there an island out there just filled with women that I can just live on for the rest of my life? I googled it and it would seem like I do not have a chance for that kind of thing.

*sigh*

Yet as I finally whipped out the laptop, I realized something that could be a sort of blessing. There are two women that I can still be attracted to, Olivia and Bree. It would seem that either through the recognition that they were once men or by some other magical means I can still have both the physical and mental attraction to the two of them!

*smiles and does a small little dance*

So there was not all bad today. From the looks of things over at Bree's blog, a good portion of their weekend is being spent in bed. And I am glad that when my mind wanders about it that I can get that twinge of arousal. Thank god for the small things.

After that, I got my energy back and then went down to the gym to get active. It got my blood pumping and ready for some work that I did not do on Saturday. I went out to a coffee shop and did my work with a smile on my face. When it was done, I went for a walk in the town not making eye contact with the males that crossed my path since I did not want to be drawn in or something. It seems I can avoid some of the responses.

So all and all it went from a bad day to a good day. I have a meeting on Tuesday with Bree where I plan on really talking to her about all of this and ask her how much experimentation with magic that she has done so far. Mine is a little more extensive than hers with nothing left of me in this place but my thoughts.

But I do not want to bore you all to death. Just know that for the moment, I am content!

-Carolyn

Unsettled

I got up this morning and dragged myself to the bathroom, from there I knew that autopilot would take over and it did. All of my hygienics began to be done with her brushing my teeth, straightening my hair, doing my makeup the whole nine yards. I got to experience every little motion of my hands, the feelings of the instruments touching my skin, hair, and such. It was oddly surreal as I looking, feeling, all of these things but knowing that I was not the one orchestrating them. I would have tried to fight but I felt that there was little point messing up my appearance when I knew she would do a great job anyway. So I resigned myself to let my body act on its know while giving me the illusion of control.

After all of that was finished, I called up room service for a simple egg sandwich and some coffee. While I ate, I realized certain things. My bites were small and delicate in a very controlled manner. And even though I never remembered placing it there I was drinking the coffee through a straw. I know both of these have to do with a woman's presentation but I did not know my automatics extended this far. It even affects how I eat and drink.

*sigh*

I finished my breakfast and looked at the clock seeing that it was about 10 am. Work had to be done so I did that for a couple of hours wearing nothing but pajamas. When that was complete, I went to go do what I set out to. I was going to truly test my automatics around people. It being Miami during the Summer, I felt it best to just go to the beach, a good place to find people. And then I learned something that sort of made me want to cry. The only girl that actually is attractive to me (at least for the moment) is me!

I forced myself to look at girls in bikinis and though mentally I was amazed at how hot a girl could be, none of my physiological reactions matched up with that. But when I looked over to the men that were on the beach surfing or doing other things, I could feel this sort of magnetism towards them. Quickly I would look away and feel ashamed that of all the things this body was, it had to be heterosexually female as far as I know.

I talked to a few girls, and learned that I can talk friendly with them and I understand them a little better. There was no effect on my words or my speech around them. And I am thankful for whatever being did this allowed me to at least be me in that aspect. Before a guy appeared, I left the beach already feeling somewhat unsettled about what I had learned of myself.

- Carolyn

Bargaining

Like I said before, or rather earlier today, I feel like I am somewhat mourning Carl if that makes sense. And the reason why I could post anything like the pictures I did, (I have tons more) is not because I am all the way in acceptance. I think that I am somewhere in bargaining. I would nearly give anything to be Carl again. But I am neither really happy or sad about it. I am just sort of ambivalent, in an odd blah state about it all.

I sort of hope this lasts awhile as I really do not need to drop into the next stage. I will give you a hint what it is. Since I am a girl, and I feel compelled to wear makeup. I am not happy about that by the way. I am just glad my body sort of runs on autopilot while it is being done. The next stage would constantly have me reapplying mascara after it gets all runny.

Also I have a comment on that, my body at times is very automatic. Applying makeup, walking, posing, all of it is perfectly feminine. And if I try to walk masculine consciously it is super uncomfortable with that odd tingly limb falling asleep thing going on zapping up my legs with each step. I think it had to do with the wish. Her words were, "I wish you would understand what women have to go through in life." In that sense, I am experiencing things like the pressure to act like a woman, the poking and prodding necessary for a woman to feel and look attractive. But as a result I do not need to learn them as the understanding of the why and sensations of it are enough without having to manually control the task and thus escape the task.

So it would seem that some of this femininity is forced upon me. What worries me is the duration, for if life really means life then I could be in this for the long haul...

That is a very scary thought to me. Time to think on less philosophical things.

Well other than taking pictures for you guys and putting up these blogs I really have not done much tonight but sit in my room and watch Family Guy on TV. I ate a small sub sandwich as I really have do not have the appetite I used to. But still I am relaxed, just sitting here on the bed with the laptop in my lap wondering what tomorrow will bring. I may do an experiment with my automatic feminine responses to see how they play out around other people, primarily girls. I have a feeling that I am not going to like what effect attractive men have on them.

But it is getting pretty late here so I think I am going to just go get comfortable and sleep.

- Carolyn

A More Fun Post

Fridays in Miami are insane, but I am not partying. Yet other than work this is currently my only outlet, so I decided that even though I was not going to go out, I should use the time productively. So I set up a camera and then started to snap away.

A nice little pose, don't you think?

Of course that is not it, but I just felt it was a good thing to start with for the moment, I find that when I am bored, I sort of just check myself out or prep myself. I think it is just sort of ingrained in her body and not a conscious thing. It is sort of like how I use to bite my nails.

Here is another:

I had to buy a swimsuit, I am in Miami after all

 It is odd being on the other end of the camera but I do not really mind, I have seen girls do it all the time so I can understand how to pose and such, how do you all think I am doing?

First Few Days..

For those that follow Bree's blog, you know how very happy I was that I woke up on the 21st to being a girl. I was not happy about it at all. I do not blame Sarah for what happened to me. It was my own actions that caused me to be in this new body of mine. And at the loss of my own life, I feel like in the past 3 or so days I have been going through the stages of death. Those captions that Mysterious posted for me were more when I was in the middle of my denial phase.

I hated what happened, what I had lost, most of all I hated Bree more because I felt that there had to be some cause and she was the one that fit most. She was out there spreading her story and I was hurting so much. I will say that when I first came to terms with what happened on the 21st, I looked at myself in the mirror and fell to my knees crying uncontrollably.

Tears just flowed down my face for an hour or longer as I continued to see my new reflection. My life as Carl was over. I knew that all too well from the very few blog posts that I had read of Bree's. No one would know who Carl even was. My completely redesigned apartment was a testament to that fact. So after I picked myself off the floor, I was angry. I hated that I had lost me so very completely just from my girlfriend's words.

So I found someone to blame, and that was Bree. I sent that picture of Sasha Cane over to Mysterious and then had him post up my words of anger to Bree. Since I was still in New York, I started plotting my path to Miami to find Bree. I did this to give myself a goal, an objective. So she was it. I packed up a bag of decent looking clothes and then got on a plane to Miami.

It took me just a few hours till I pulled up in front of her house in my rental car. I could have gone to her door and confronted her right there but I didn't. I knew that would be wrong, but it still did not dissipate my anger so I just hung around Miami watching her as she went about her life. To prove whether she was magical, I walked towards her on a street as she left work. If she was really my maker then she should know the real me. But even after she bumped into me, I was but a stranger to her. She did not even give me a second thought or glance as I said an apology and she moved on.

So I decided I would do research into Carolyn's life and pick it up where she left off. But I am doing so from a Hotel room in Miami as I start to settle down and sort out just how I am going to work out all of this and find a way to reclaim my old existence.

I do hope to find a chance to talk to Bree about all of this at some point. Even though I was initially mad at her, I want to talk to someone that can understand at least some of what I am going through.

-Carolyn